MY 2012 WORD

I love the world of blogging.  I learn so much!  I love that people are willing to share their joys and their sorrows.  What their goals are.  When there’s a day that they just want to stay in their PJ’s all day.  What makes them happy. What they like to create. What they ate for dinner last night. What great new discovery they found on the web… basically, what makes them “TICK” as a person. 

As I said back here, I’m NOT a fashionista, although I try to look my best—but my fashion blogger sister extraordinaire wrote the funniest post a while back about being real as a blogger.  You can see that here.   I also read a post the other day (link sent to me by my other sister) about the realities of motherhood and sometimes not wanting to do your job and just needing a day off.  Read that here. Which, by the way, more to come about sisters—I have 3 of them.  No brothers (except brothers-in-law) and having sisters is just the best thing in the world—but more on that for another day.

Now, one of my most favorite blogs that I found about 3-4 months ago is Shawni over at 71 toes.  That woman is inspirational.  She is someone that really “gets it” when it comes to motherhood, and knows how to capture the beauty in everyday moments.  The life she has created truly is beautiful.  And her enthusiasm and zest for life just explodes off the virtual page.

Something she has done at the beginning of each year over the last few years hit me like a ton of bricks a few months ago as something that I NEEDED TO DO.  I’ll get to what that is in a minute, but first you need some back story.

  You see, this last Fall of 2011, I was fresh off the process of moving our family and I was in TOTAL BURNOUT MODE.  (It’s a real term! See here)  I don’t even know how I found Shawni’s blog, but her personality, character, and approach to life quite literally gave me that little inkling of hope that I needed. 

We had been moving for 2 years.  In this down economy, it had taken us almost a year and a half to sell our home.  We had showed our home to I think every family and realtor in the Western Hemisphere (over 100 times), and with 6 kids.  And a very busy, hectic family life schedule.  Do any of you out there know what it is like to keep a house with 6 children in it IMMACULATE FOR OVER A YEAR??? Yah…I was nearing the loony bin. 

Anywho, when moving day finally arrived, we then spent about 7 months in a rental that was a 20-30 minute drive each way to get our kids to school.  The driving distance only made sense because we were trying to save money and pay as little rent as possible, while we built our home.  So for the next 4 months after selling and moving out of our home, my husband and I commuted 5 of our 6 kids to 4 different schools.  Some days I thought I was going to go out of my ever-lovin’ mind!  Fast food and countless hours in the car became our norm, because there were still harp lessons, piano lessons, sports practices and games, church activities, etc. to get to and one other little minor detail: A HOUSE TO BUILD.  It was a very exhausting time in my life, to put it mildly.

Fast-forward a few more months: Our house is done.  (THIS, too, is a post for another day—in fact, kind of maybe a lot more posts, because building a house was truly fascinating and incredible.)

So, here I sat in this new home, in a new area, and I don’t know how to live a normal life anymore.  I had been selling and moving for almost 2 years and I realized I hadn’t even adjusted to being the mother of 6 children yet. (We put our home on the market when ‘lil miss Lydia was just 4 months old.)

NOW WHAT?  I honestly was a mess.  I had no routine.  I had no dinner plan.  I had quit exercising.  I was eating like crap.  I was staying up too late.  I still had WAY too many boxes and organizing projects that overwhelmed me daily. I was simply reacting to the whims and needs of my children and others around me.  I was in defense mode.  Offense was gone!  To put it plainly:

I WAS STUCK AND LOST.

AND I WAS DEPRESSED.

Change is hard. Adjustment is hard.  But IT IS what life is.  We are continually pushed, pulled, stretched, and often rarely nudged into changes.  But I want to grow.  I LIKE GROWTH—even though it’s hard, and yucky, and messy, and well, just hard. And at this point, I was tired of growing, and felt stagnate. But growth is how I know that I’m alive and living my life rather than just watching life pass me by, and life was doing just that….PASSING ME BY.  I felt no joy for anything.  I was grouchy, and slouchy, and just mad at being so tired.  I had gained 15 pounds.  I was annoyed with my kids and husband all the time.  Not a good place to be.  And I continually questioned my abilities and often said, “ I am inadequate.  I don’t know if I want this life.  I can’t do this life.”  Bad. Bad. Bad.

So, where did all of this leave me? 

In a place that was kind of dark, scary, and new territory to navigate.  We are done having children, and it was a new place for me.  New place geographically, and a new place in my heart and soul.  I needed a new focus.  I needed to remember how to run a family and a household and ALL that that requires.  How to take care of myself, How to just remember what makes me happy.  Those were big, scary challenges to tackle.  I didn’t know if I could do any of that because I was so darn exhausted.  But I had hope.  I knew that I would not be left alone.  Because I had my faith and my well of knowledge that was in my head; it had just been lost for a time from my heart.

I began to soul-search.  First and foremost, I NEEDED REST.  You’ve heard that phrase in golf (not that I play golf) called a “gimme.”  I gave myself a month of “gimmes.”  I slept longer, went to bed earlier, took naps, and required very little of myself other than just the basics to get us by.

 Next, I had to identify what was really bothering me and what was just not working.  Then I had to let go of the fact that I was kind of ticked off at myself for “letting myself go.” And not caring for myself in a loving, healthful way.  I decided to channel that emotional energy into creating new routines and having goals again and deciding once and for all, that having 6 children was simply my destiny and even though I LOVE those children with all of my heart, I DIDN’T HAVE TO LIKE IT (being a mother) ALL THE TIME.  (That’s also another post for another day—LOTS of thoughts and feelings there.) (And more on the goals later too.)

Okay, so back to Shawni at 71 Toes.  A few years ago, she decided to choose a “word” to be her focus for the year and it gave her the opportunity to be a “deliberate mother.”  And boy, oh boy, did I need to learn how to be deliberate again.  As I said before, this is one of many things that helped give me that small inkling of hope I needed to be pulled from my post-move abyss.  Here is where Shawni talks about it.

I loved the idea!  Those who know me closely, know that I LOVE WORDS.  I’m a huge Words with Friends fan and use the Dictionary.com app on my phone literally daily.  I will often say something to my kids and they’ll say, “What does that mean mom?”  And I say, “Look it up.”  Dictionary.com is my friend.  Just yesterday, I told my oldest daughter, Rachel, “I want to teach you how to be refined and gracious.”  Again….  “MOMMMMM!  What do you MEAN by that.”  “Look it up!”  Ha! 

This word thing was right up my alley. 

Without further ado, here is “THE WORD” I’ve chosen for 2012: (drum rollllll…..)

RENEW

Dictionary.com defines it:

re·new 

verb (used with object)

1.

to begin or take up again, as an acquaintance, a conversation, etc.; resume.

2.

to make effective for an additional period: to renew a lease.

3.

to restore or replenish: to renew a stock of goods.

4.

to make, say, or do again.

5.

to revive; reestablish.

6.

to recover (youth, strength, etc.).

7.

to restore to a former state; make new or as if new again.

All of those “RE” words really caught my eye.  I had felt that I had lost myself and that I wouldn’t be found again.  But on the contrary.  The person I had become was always there, I just needed to be revived, restored, replenished, reestablished.  RENEWED. 

To get there, I needed a plan.  I spent the next several weeks identifying the areas that were sorely lacking and I went to work on how I would “restore” and renew myself.  My last post is one that can be directly attributed to this little exercise.

Many more posts to come on how I began to RENEW.  Where is your heart today?  Are you happy about where you are in your life?  Are you living each day with a purpose?  If you made it this far to the end of this very long post, I congratulate you and thank you.  Part of renewing for me was finding a way to indulge the thoughts in my heart.  Hence, the blog: 

Coeur de Create.

What will you create in your life today?

Best,

Amy